Noah (2014) * *

Directed by:  Darren Aronofsky

Starring:  Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, Ray Winstone, Douglas Booth

I admit I have never seen an adaptation of the story of Noah's Ark quite like this.    It is baffling how certain members of the religious right chastised the film for not being true to the original story.    What original story?    About a man who lived to be 900 years old who built a massive ark which housed two of every species of animal on Earth so they could survive a flood caused by 40 days and 40 nights of rains?    At risk of offending the religious right, the story is not believable nor is it supposed to be.   It isn't meant to taken as fact.    It, like many stories in the Bible, are either allegories or fables.     Darren Aronofsky decided to spruce things up by turning Noah into an action hero and then a borderline psychopath.    Giant walking rock monsters are introduced which are similar to the giant walking trees in The Lord Of The Rings.    There is also the introduction of a villainous Cain, the son of Adam and Eve who killed his brother Abel and went on to overtake the Earth with his legions of followers.    Well, at least that is Noah's version.

Noah is not boring, just daffy.    It introduces Noah (Crowe) as a family man haunted by visions of a planet immersed in water.    He determines that the Creator is going to destroy the Earth and he must build the ark in order to protect the innocent (meaning the animals) from destruction.    This takes several years, as his young children grow up and his wife (Connelly) doesn't age a day.    Crowe keeps his beard, but now sports a crew cut.    As the day of reckoning approaches, Noah intervenes on his children's behalf so they can secure wives and thus repopulate humankind.    A young girl they found and adopted when she was a child has grown up to be Emma Watson (of Harry Potter), but she can not bear children until she seeks out Noah's grandfather Meshuselah (Hopkins), who is part patriarch and part witch doctor.    Suddenly, she can bear children, which makes her the likely partner of Shem (Lerman), Noah's oldest son.    In the miracle business, Methuselah would give Jesus a run for his money.

Arriving on the scene is Noah's uncle Cain (Winstone), who with his army of followers threaten to storm the ark so they can be saved.    In the meantime, the species of animals find their way to the ark.   Only two of each are permitted, so how was it decided amongst the particular animal species which two go?    I understand logic isn't welcomed in a story like this, but still...   Cain's job is to be a snarling villain, which Winstone plays to a tee with his gruff cockney accent.    You may remember Winstone as Mr. French in The Departed.    

Noah borrows plenty from The Lord Of The Rings, including the rock monsters, an epic battle, and long tales about said characters.    The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, however, grew wearisome quickly.    Noah is ambitious, but ultimately collapses under its ridiculousness.    It is a ground rule that a certain amount of ridiculousness is to be expected with this story, but Aronofsky added filler and lots of it which triples the amount of horsefeathers we are expected to accept.

After the rains end (I'm not giving away a spoiler by telling you that they do), Noah believes that all of humankind is expected to be eradicated, which includes he and his family.    Noah's family's response is tantamount to "What do you mean we, white man?"    It is here where Noah becomes an unsympathetic monster who threatens to kill his daughter-in-law's children when they are born in order to carry out the Creator's will.    He has a look not unlike Charles Manson's.     Even after this ordeal ends as expected, can his family really trust him again?

I almost feel a certain affection for Noah despite its inanities.    Crowe undergoes so many transformations in his character that it is astounding he can keep up with them.     He goes from Maximus to Pearlie (his character in Winter's Tale) all in one movie.    The film is epic in scope and is well-made, although the Earth Noah inhabits in the beginning could use a little rain.    And flowers.   And trees.    There isn't a whole lot for the Creator to wipe out anyway.     The best thing I can say about Noah is that I watched it with dislike, but not disinterest.    Hearing Russell Crowe scream, "Nothing will stop me," as he carries a knife meant to kill his grandchild borders almost on self-parody.    Darren Aronofsky is a skilled director who also made Black Swan and The Wrestler.   He swung for the fences taking on this epic.    He wound up with a long fly ball which was ultimately caught for an out, but at least gave a jolt of excitement to the crowd.