I Never Sang for My Father (1970) * * * 1/2

Directed by:  Gilbert Cates

Starring:  Melvyn Douglas, Gene Hackman, Estelle Parsons, Dorothy Stickney, Elizabeth Hubbard, Conrad Bain

Family relationships are anything but tidy.    Most movies want to tie up all of the loose ends with family conflicts in under two hours.    I Never Sang for My Father has no clear cut right or wrong party.    Gene Garrison (Hackman) is a recently widowed New York professor who wants to move to California and remarry.     This would mean leaving behind his elderly parents and in particular his domineering father Tom (Douglas), who frets to Gene in one of many guilt trips how such a move would crush his mother.    In reality, Tom would be the more heartbroken one. 

Before we can easily pigeonhole Tom as an irascible guilt tripper and Gene as a henpecked son who falls so easily for his father's manipulation, I Never Sang for My Father gives the two men depth, internal conflict, and of course love.    A lesser movie would have Gene finally wiggle free from Tom's grasp and live a happy life on his own.    A lesser movie would only see its people in such specific terms without allowing them to be conflicted, wounded, prideful, stubborn, and unable to communicate the words that mean the most. 

Because I Never Sang for My Father is so perceptive and knows that father-child relationships are sometimes so fragile, the movie doesn't necessarily take sides.    Sometimes we sympathize with Gene, even when he says he hates his father, which we know he doesn't mean.     Other times, we see the hurt Tom feels from having a mostly parentless childhood.     At one point, after Tom's wife dies and he is seemingly unaffected, we see him finally grieve not just his recent loss, but the loss of all of his loved ones who left him.    It is a moving moment which allows Gene to see inside, even if just for a second.

Gene is forever conflicted between his own needs and his perceived duty to his father.    At his sister's (Parsons) urging, Gene looks for nursing homes for his father and is turned off by their coldness.    Yet, the old man can't reasonably be expected to take care of his large home.    A housekeeper is out of the question too.    "I've taken care of myself since I was eight years old,"  he bellows defiantly.    We can understand Tom's stubbornness in holding on to his independence.    As some grow older, they lose the abilities that make them independent.     Some soon can't drive anymore, then some can't live alone anymore.    Each bit of life is taken away.    How does that even feel?    Could we blame Tom for being hesitant to leave his home behind?     

I realized with surprise that I Never Sang for My Father is not about one giant conflict between father and son, but little ones that have blossomed into big ones.     Tom and Gene's cold war is based more on perceptions than reality.    Gene feels his father never truly loved him.    Tom feels unappreciated by Gene.     What both men may never see is how much they truly do love each other, if they can get out of their own way to understand it.

Melvyn Douglas and Gene Hackman are both two-time Oscar winners with long, distinguished careers.     Both are so good at suggesting the subtle pain underneath.    We think we know who they are, until they peel back another layer for us to see more and sometimes unexpectedly.    This is their movie, although Estelle Parsons (Bonnie and Clyde) also excels as an almost outsider voice of reason.    She was banished by Tom from their home for marrying a Jew, but she sees this almost as a blessing which forced her to become truly independent, which is yet to happen for Gene.

I found the lack of a tidy resolution to I Never Sang for My Father to be appropriate.    There are so many dimensions to these people to work through that we will never get to the bottom of their relationship.    Sadly, most relationships are complex like that and a resolution may never fully come.    "Death ends a life, but it doesn't end a relationship," says Gene, who is still wrestling with his conscience and his soul long after his father is gone.    Sometimes the worst things that can happen to a relationship are the things you didn't do or say.