Parker (2013) * 1/2

Directed by:  Taylor Hackford

Starring:  Jason Statham, Jennifer Lopez, Nick Nolte, Michael Chiklis

Thank goodness my brother was watching this movie with me.    About 20 minutes in, he started pointing out all of the absurdities that Parker had to offer.    There were a lot of them.    We all started laughing as if Parker was an uproarious comedy, even though it's an action film.     I must confess, though, that if my brother weren't present, I likely would've sat in my chair and tried my best to get through Parker and move on.    Parker is a by-the-numbers action film with little to care about, including its hero.

Jason Statham seems to have a movie starring him released every two months.    I've seen a few and they didn't register much with me, although I did enjoy him in The Italian Job.    Statham simply doesn't have the charisma to be an action film lead.    He takes this dreck entirely too seriously.    Arnold Schwarzenegger knew how to elevate dreck with sly humor and an engaging personality.    Statham looks tough and knows all the moves, but he's better off in a supporting role and not having to carry the load.   

In the film,  Parker is a thief who, after leading a heist which nets his crew $200,000 each, is betrayed and left for dead on the side of the road.    The crew has connections to high-level mafia guys, but this matters little to Parker, who is looking for his money back and some revenge.    Parker's former partner, played by Nick Nolte, fears for Parker and offers to pay him the $200,000 to stop him, but Parker is a man of principle and wants the money from the guys themselves.     Parker takes quite a beating over his principles.    I wonder if at any time he thought he should've taken Nolte up on his offer.

Parker tracks the crew to Palm Beach, Florida, which is full of rich people and "8 cops for every person".    These cops are conveniently absent as things explode, cars are wrecked, and people get shot up.   Parker searches for his enemies under the guise of a rich Texas businessman looking for real estate.    He fits right in with his two-day old stubble, ten gallon cowboy hat, and a Southern accent which sounds just like Statham's native cockney British accent.     How do guys in these movies keep that stubble anyway?     How do beards never grow?   

Among this mess is the arrival of Jennifer Lopez as a real estate agent who volunteers to help Parker in his scheme.    Her character is mostly unnecessary, except as someone to be taken hostage by the bad guys.    Another odd issue is Parker's girlfriend, who is Nolte's daughter.    I assume she is Parker's girlfriend, but she spends most of the movie in hiding except to show up on cue when Parker needs a nurse to take care of his myriad wounds.     Not much happens with Lopez either, except for one kiss.   Statham isn't really much of a romantic lead anyway.   He gets his kicks from bending guys arms the wrong way and shooting people.

What's even more puzzling about Parker is that an esteemed director like Taylor Hackford would helm it.    Hackford has made plenty of good films, such as The Idolmaker, An Officer and A Gentleman, Ray, The Devil's Advocate, and Proof Of Life.    What about Parker attracted him to the project?    I could go on and on about all of the silly plot points that my brother helpfully pointed out and turned the experience of viewing Parker into a tolerable one.     But that doesn't make Parker an entertaining film.    It makes my brother an entertaining comedian.