Porky's (1982) * 1/2

Directed by:  Bob Clark

Starring:   Dan Monahan, Wyatt Knight, Mark Herrier, Alex Karras, Chuck Mitchell

Porky's sets most of its action at a Florida high school in the mid-1950's.   It's not particularly funny or sexy.  It's the type of movie I rented as a horny teenager and fast-forwarded to the nudity.  Yes, I did that and I'm sure I'm not alone.   They try to shoehorn a plot in there somewhere, but it's rather inconsequential.   Anyone who watches Porky's isn't doing so because of the story.   Since it has little else going for it, Porky's is pretty close to a non-entity.

Director Bob Clark made some good films in his day (The excellent A Christmas Story, From The Hip, It Runs In The Family) and stinkers (Porky's II, Baby Geniuses, Loose Cannons).   It's amazing the same man can direct such a mish-mosh of films.     There's nothing about Porky's an insightful script couldn't fix.    There is one funny scene, which I will get to later, and it doesn't involve Porky or his nightclub.  

The plot consists mainly of horny teenagers trying to score with teenage girls.    The guys and the girls are entirely too old to be convincing teenagers.     They all look to be in their mid-20's at least.    I kept wondering why they were still hanging around a high school.   I know I'm expected to suspend my disbelief and accept these men and women as teens, but that's an awful lot of suspending you're asking me to do.

The guys find their way to Porky's, a redneck strip club in an adjacent county run by the fat, sleazy Porky (Mitchell), who is forever chomping on a cigar.    Why anyone would want to go there is a mystery, since whomever tries to approach a stripper is accosted by Porky and his gang.    The guys are humiliated by Porky and dumped into the lake surrounding the club.   I guess Porky's isn't interested in repeat business.  The guys plot revenge, which consists of getting their hands on lots of explosives and blowing up the club.  There isn't much funny about this subplot, which seems to be a whole other movie.    

There is another subplot involving a bigot who bullies a Jewish teen, but then the two become friends.    Also in the mix is a gym teacher (Kim Cattrall), who howls like a dog when she's having sex, thus earning her the nickname Lassie.     

The one funny scene involves the notorious Miss Balbricker (Nancy Parsons).  Get it?  Bal-bricker?! As in "ball breaker".   She catches the boys spying on girls in the shower and gets a hold of one guy's penis.  (He was sticking it through a hole at the time).   He frees himself from her clutches and escapes.  She later pleads with the principal to line up a bunch of students so she can ID the penis.   This isn't particularly funny, but the three teachers in the background laugh hysterically and their laughs are infectious.   So I laughed along with them.   I wish the rest of the movie had that effect on me.