The Heat (2013) *

Directed by:  Paul Feig

Starring:  Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy, Demian Bichir, Michael McDonald

The Heat is a laughless comedy filled with people I didn't like in a plot I couldn't care less about.    We spend almost two hours with these people, which makes the whole thing even less tolerable.     Formula cop/buddy movies aren't anything new, but they can work if the right energy is applied and the characters are at least halfway likable.     (See Rush Hour, 48 Hrs, Midnight Run, Starsky & Hutch).      Neither applies to The Heat.

Sandra Bullock plays Sarah Ashburn, a by-the-book FBI agent who rubs everyone the wrong way, including her boss (Bichir), who sends her to Boston to track down a big-time drug dealer named Larkin.     Sarah crosses paths with Boston undercover detective Shannon Mullins (McCarthy), who is sociopathic in her treatment of suspected criminals and acts nastily to everyone she comes in contact with.     Mullins screams loudly, is unpleasant, obnoxious, and swears every other word, including using the 12-letter variety, which makes one wonder how she even passed the psychological exam they surely must give to police candidates.     Or at least I hope they do.
One thing Mullins isn't is funny.    Same goes with Ashburn, who behaves with decorum and doesn't swear, saying "s" and "f" instead of the associated curse words.   

The mismatched pair are after the same dealer and reluctantly team up.    You know they will hate each other at first, then after a truce will become best buds.     That's ok if the people were even slightly likable.    But because Shannon is so over-the-top mean and Sarah is over-the-top prissy that we simply can't believe their partnership.     It's also custom in movies like this that the do-gooder will learn to loosen up via getting drunk or high with his new friend.    I'd love to see one movie where the do-gooder actually gets the slob to straighten up.     If there ever was a slob that needed straightening up, it's Shannon.

Another woeful miscalculation is the introduction of Shannon's family.    We see how Shannon learned to be profane and rude from being around these people, since they are presented as such grating loudmouths.     I actually would've preferred Shannon to be an orphan since her family adds so little except to make things even more unpleasant.  

The Heat plods toward its conclusion and contains no laughs.    It's a dead zone, forcing its actors to inhabit thoroughly uninteresting and nasty characters in thoroughly uninteresting situations.    There is nothing funny about a female cop who pounds on people and screams obscenities.    There is nothing funny about a stiff FBI agent who tries to do everything diplomatically in contrast.     There is nothing funny about bad guys getting shot in the groin, or even threatened to be shot in the groin.  
In fact, finding anything amusing about The Heat is more fruitless than trying to find Larkin.