Zoolander 2 (2016) *

Directed by: Ben Stiller

Starring:  Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Penelope Cruz, Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig

Here at last is the sequel no one was clamoring for to a movie that barely had enough material to stretch out to feature length the first time around.     I gave the original Zoolander two stars, mostly because the first 20-30 minutes had some funny insights into the vacuous world of fashion and modeling.      Zoolander 2 is a film that never needed to be made.     We get it.     Derek Zoolander (Stiller) was an empty-headed moron who after 15 years is still an empty-headed moron.     His blonde-haired counterpart Hansel (Wilson) is only slightly more intelligent, but every bit as vain.      This ground was covered before.    There is nothing new to say.

Alas, Zoolander 2 soldiers on with a plot (plot?) that becomes more confused as the movie wears on that borrows, no outright steals, from elements of The Da Vinci Code.     The film opens with a person, whose face is obscured by a hoodie, being chased by guys on motorcycles.     The person lowers his hood to reveal himself as....Justin Bieber.      The writers (more on those later) repeatedly reveal such cameos throughout the movie, as if the mere revelation of Justin Bieber is funny by itself.      Bieber is shot to death by about six hundred bullets, but manages to take a selfie with a face similar to one Zoolander used to make in ads back in the day.      Why does he do this?     Mostly to drag Zoolander into the movie. 

Derek himself had a rough life since the original film.     He did indeed build the literacy center he wanted, but it collapsed in one day because he insisted the building be constructed out of the same material as the scale model.     His wife is killed.     Hansel is permanently disfigured, at least according to him, and wears a Phantom of the Opera style mask to cover his "hideous" scar.     Derek's son is taken from him because Derek can't seem to wrap his head around how pasta is made.     Derek then retreats into seclusion in "Extreme Northern New Jersey" or what looks like somewhere in the Ural Mountains.     I did laugh at that title card.    Hansel retreats to "Unchartered Malibu Territory" or what looks like the Sahara.    

Billy Zane (playing himself) shows up at both Derek's and Hansel's door with a hologram message from Alexanya Avoz (Wiig), the world's foremost fashion name whose English is as impenetrable as her makeup and the gown she wraps herself in.     They are offered a gig in Rome, which both think can lead to a comeback.      How many people watching this movie even remember who Billy Zane is?      And Kiefer Sutherland shows up as a member of Hansel's love commune several times.     Is the idea of Kiefer Sutherland pleading for Hansel's love supposed to be funny?     I get a feeling these jokes were written in the original script circa 2008 and never updated.      Quick, name the last movie Kiefer Sutherland appeared in.     (And don't use imdb.com)

With the aid of an Interpol detective (Cruz), Hansel and Derek search for Derek's long-lost son, who to Derek's horror has been living in a Roman orphanage and is, gasp, fat.    The Rome gig turns out to be an excuse to have Derek and Hansel have prune juice dumped all over them.     We also see the return of the jailed Mugatu (Ferrell), who has been plotting his revenge for fifteen years, and a bearded Sting (who calls Hansel with cryptic messages of "I'll be walking on the moon" and "Every Breath You Take, I'll Be Watching You.").      There are cameos from Tommy Hilfiger, Anna Wintour, Marc Jacobs, and other fashion industry gods who have to be identified by name in order for anyone to recognize them.    ("I'll show you, Anna Wintour!")    ("Shut up, Tommy Hilfiger").    Actors could have been used to portray these moguls and I would have been none the wiser.    Then the plot unwinds like a rolling spool of thread dropped on the floor with twists hurled at the viewer relentlessly.     The Mission: Impossible gag of a character tearing off his/her face to reveal someone else underneath is used at least four times.    

Cameos have become so common in movies anymore that no one is much thrilled or moved by them.     The idea of a famous person showing up unexpectedly is not funny or entertaining.     It is a cheap gag.     At least give them something funny to do instead of standing around.     Zoolander 2 was written by four writers (including Stiller and Justin Theroux, who co-stars).     The script is such a jumbled, incoherent mess that it seems the writers were locked in separate rooms and forbidden to communicate with one another.      If the writers did indeed communicate, then maybe they should have been sequestered from one another with no communication allowed.      The results could not be much worse than this finished product.