Baywatch (2017) * 1/2

Directed by:  Seth Gordon

Starring:  Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddrio, Kelly Rohrbach. Pamela Anderson, David Hasselhoff, Priyanka Chopra, Ilfenesh Hadera, Rob Huebel, Hannibal Burress, Jon Bass

Based on the 1990's TV series, Baywatch is yet another movie adaptation of an old TV show no one was clamoring to be made.    CHIPs was released earlier this year and didn't register much.    It had a few chuckles mostly due to the likable actors and then just vanished from my memory and from theaters.    Baywatch makes CHIPs seem like an AFI Top 100 list movie by comparison.    

Dwayne Johnson, who should learn to say no occasionally, plays the David Hasselhoff role of Mitch Buchanan, the head lifeguard of Baywatch, which patrols the beaches of Emerald Bay and risks life and limb to save drowning swimmers.     Mitch is joined by the busty CJ (Rohrbach), a nerd (Bass) in love with CJ, newcomer Summer (Daddario), Stephanie (Hadera), and former Olympic gold medalist turned screwup Matt Brody (Efron).    The initial tension between Mitch and Matt follows the clichéd cop/buddy movie conventions which go in this sequence:  1.  Hostility.   2.   Guarded truce   3.   Friendship    4.  Seeming betrayal which causes temporary fracture of the new friendship   5.  Reconciliation.     Mitch doesn't much care of Matt for reasons not made clear.    If you consider the daily workload the Baywatch crew goes through, then Mitch should be thankful for the help and not give Matt a hard time.   

A nasty drug is soon infiltrating the beach and causing deaths.    Mitch and crew investigate who is behind the drug dealing, the sultry Victoria Leeds (Chopra) who in another life could be a Baywatch lifeguard herself.     The actors are appealing, but they are weighed down by a screenplay which doesn't know if the movie is a self-aware parody or a gross-out teen comedy with adults in the teen roles.     We don't care much about the plot, so the movie needs to depends on its laughs to pull through.    Too bad there are none to be had.   

So we are left with a lifeless comedy with inevitable cameos from actors who performed in the original series.     This bow to the past used to be original and welcome, but now it is trite and played out.    I admit I missed David Hasselhoff's cameo, but I don't feel the need to circle back and watch for it again.