Call Me by Your Name (2017) * *

Directed by:  Luca Guadagnigno

Starring:  Timothee Chalamet, Armie Hammer, Michael Stuhlbarg, Amira Casar, Esther Garrel, Victoire Du Bois

Clocking in at two hours, twelve minutes, Call Me by Your Name takes entirely too long to tell its too simple story.    It is no hurry to go anywhere, which is some movies is a virtue, but in this film becomes a severe test of our patience.    The movie is lush visually, with picturesque views of the Italian countryside and the performances surely buy the movie a little goodwill, but in the end we are left with a glimpse of a boring homosexual romance which may or may not be pedophilia depending on where you live.    The age difference is frankly creepy and there is little for the story to push against, with no greater context or societal dilemmas involved.    The affair may as well take place on Mars.    More on that later.

The film opens in the summer of 1983, with the Perlman family, led by history professor Lyle(Stuhlbarg), his loving Italian wife Annella (Casar), and their 17-year-old highly educated, but gawky and awkward son Elio (Chalamet).    Each year, they bring a graduate student in for the summer to live with them and study under Professor Perlman.    The student is Oliver (Hammer), a tall, muscular man in his early 20's who likes to excuse himself by offhandedly saying "Later," and idolizes Lyle's work.    Elio, who has a couple of female friends with benefits, takes a liking to Oliver although they don't get off on the right foot.   But, soon there is a truce, then a friendship, then a flirtation, followed by an affair in which most of the hanky panky takes place in the bedroom on the second floor.    If the parents are aware of the affair, they surely don't let on.   If they don't, well, then Oliver and Elio mustn't make too much noise.

The relationship between Oliver and Elio is predictable and drawn out.   They don't even express their hidden desires until about an hour into the film.    Before that, the two go on lots of bike rides, discuss famous works of literature, and other dull stuff.    The Northern Italian scenery is rustic and timeless, only the intrusion of songs like "Love My Way" by The Psychedelic Furs at a local disco reminds us of the period.    Now when I hear that song, I will think of Hammer's geeky, awkward dancing to the beat.   Ugh.

I won't reveal any more about the future of the tryst, except to say it has no interesting dramatic reverberations and no subtexts explored in other gay-themed films like Brokeback Mountain, in which the two male leads cause suffering to the women in their lives by virtue of their homosexuality.    Brokeback Mountain, which is the movie I can't help but compare this film to, also takes place in a society which is hostile to open homosexuality and its men have to maintain a certain façade to deflect suspicion.    No such conflicts exist here and thus no underlying reason to watch.    I admired the performances although the characters kept me at arm's length.     There is a tricky scene which Stuhlbarg pulls off exceptionally well in which he reveals how much he knows or doesn't know about Elio and Oliver and also how it relates to himself.  

But I expected more than just a one-off affair and broken hearts.    A male-female relationship in exactly the same circumstances would be just as boring, because while it is cool of Elio's parents to embrace Elio's and Oliver's "special friendship", it doesn't justify our spending so much time to witness it amidst the abundant apricot trees.    Oh yes, there are lots of apricots, peaches, and juices made from the same, and I must say this is the first film I've seen in which the characters partake in such.