Directed by: Fred Wolf
Starring: Alec Baldwin, Salma Hayek, Colin Quinn, Will Ferrell, Jim Gaffigan, Joe Manganiello
Made in 2016, Drunk Parents is finally seeing the light of day thanks to Netflix' desperation to put ANY new content on its streaming service it could find. Netflix should have waited longer. Alec Baldwin and Salma Hayek would have been served better appearing in a documentary made by people who hated them. Did they even read the script? Or more to the point, was there even a filmable script ready when the shoot began? Co-written and directed haplessly by Fred Wolf, an SNL writer, Drunk Parents is an unpleasant reminder that it's not always a good idea to blindly sign on to a project being made by a friend.
I can only speculate that is what happened here, because I'm at a loss to determine why Baldwin and Hayek, both very talented people, would appear in such dreck. As the story churned along, as Baldwin's and Hayek's characters were dragged farther out into the deep ocean of poor taste that is Drunk Parents, did they ever question what the hell they were making here?
The setup is intriguing. Frank and Nancy Teagarten (Baldwin, Hayek) are seeing their only child off to college. They appear affluent, but when they return home, they empty their living furniture onto the front lawn for an impromptu yard sale and their luxury car is nearly repossessed. They are flat broke, and trying to ward off creditors who lurk around the corner for their money. So far, not bad, but that's only the first five minutes or so. Then, after Frank and Nancy scheme to rent the house next door whose owner is away, we meet Carl (Gaffigan), who pays the security deposit and moves in. We find out soon enough he is a sex offender, and through developments far too contrived to recap, Frank and Nancy are kidnapped by masked men who mistake them for sex offenders. Frank and Nancy escape the kidnappers and crash at Frank's brothers place for the night, where Frank's nephew accuses him of trying to rape him. Ugh.
If any of this sounds even remotely funny or appealing to you, then I'm failing at my duty as a film critic. Soon, it becomes a battle to hang in there until the end, which I managed to do somehow. Colin Quinn and Will Ferrell make cameo appearances as would-be thieves who somehow light themselves on fire twice each. And despite being engulfed in flames for about thirty seconds each time, they appear no worse for wear once the fire is extinguished. What's even more inexplicable is how the Teagartens drop their daughter off at college to begin the fall semester in what is supposed to be September, but the shoot clearly occurred in the middle of winter based on the barren landscape and the heavy coats Frank and Nancy wore.
The movie begins and ends with winsome voice-over narration by Quinn, who suggest the drunk parents of the title weren't drunk from alcohol (although they clearly do imbibe), but from love of their daughter. Where did that sentimental malarkey come from? A pathetic attempt to put a happy face on the unpleasantness we witnessed for the previous ninety minutes?
Drunk Parents tries almost anything for a laugh, and the jokes are as dead as the mid-winter lawn where Frank and Nancy hold their yard sale. If Drunk Parents starred less talented or known actors, then at least their appearance in this movie would've been somewhat understandable. An actor has to act. But Baldwin and Hayek I'm sure are financially stable, and they should've taken a pass instead of wasting time on this dreadful movie which they will never get back.
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