Five Nights at Freddy's (2023) * 1/2

Directed by:  Emma Tammi

Starring:  Josh Hutcherson, Elizabeth Lail, Matthew Lillard, Piper Rubio, Mary Stuart Masterson

I'm a stranger in a strange land when it comes to Five Nights at Freddy's, a horror film based on a popular video game.  The younger audience at the screening I attended cheered various characters including a seemingly inconsequential cab driver who makes a brief appearance.  You had to be in the know, I suppose, which I confess I wasn't. 

I came into Five Nights at Freddy's cold and with no knowledge of its plot except that it involves a nighttime security guard at a closed and abandoned Chuck E. Cheese knockoff called Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria who experiences freaky goings-on.   The guard, named Mike Schmidt (perhaps after the Hall of Fame Phillies' third baseman or perhaps not), is a man still traumatized by the kidnapping and death of his brother when he was younger.  He is seeking to retain full custody of his younger sister (Rubio) and keep her out of the hands of their money-grubbing aunt (Masterson), who only wants to receive checks from the state for having her niece in her care. 

Why a night security guard is needed for the long-closed Freddy's is lost on me.  I think it was explained, but even that didn't make sense.  The animatronic puppets which perform Talking in Your Sleep by the Romantics come alive at night and haunt the place.   When Mike (Hutcherson) takes his sister to work with him at night, the puppets take to her and seemingly protect her.   A pretty police officer (Lail) drops by nightly to give Mike tips on how to watch the place.   You may remember Lail as the comely Beck from the first season of You.  Or you may not.  I sure did.  

Once the plot is explained and the truth behind the robots is revealed, it boggles the mind.  Apparently some children went missing and Freddy's was searched but no evidence of wrongdoing was found.   The pizzeria closed shortly afterward (not suspicious in the least), but I gather there is no such thing as bodies decaying even if they were hidden in an ingenious place at Freddy's.   None of this would matter if Five Nights at Freddy's were at all watchable, but it's a clumsy horror film with killings (although thankfully not a lot of blood) and characters we couldn't care less about fumbling around in the dark trying to avoid singing, maniacal robots.  If this sounds ridiculous, that's because it is and not in a positive way.