Identity Thief (2013) * *

Directed by: Seth Gordon

Starring:  Jason Bateman, Melissa McCarthy, Amanda Peet, John Cho

Identity Thief is a road-buddy movie with some of the most absurd plot contrivances I've seen in many a moon.     Basically, three-quarters of it is action slapstick involving chases, nasty car crashes, shootings, blood, and ugly sex.   There also is a bit of schmaltz courtesy of Melissa McCarthy's Diana, who gives a tearful speech about her rotten childhood and how it led to her career choice as a criminal.    Jason Bateman's Sandy sits across from her with the there-there eyes which absolve her of her sins, which include stealing Sandy's identity and putting his credit, job, and future in jeopardy.    But hey, she had a rough childhood so give her a break.    Please.

As the film opens, Sandy is tricked by Diana, who poses as a fraud consultant, into giving up his social security number, birthdate, etc. which allows her to print phony credit cards and run up tabs in his name that total in the tens of thousands of dollars.    One night while partying in a bar, she is arrested for disturbing the peace.   This leads to trouble for the real Sandy, who has two kids and one on the way and suddenly has insurmountable debt and an arrest record.    Oh, and he lives in Denver while Diana lives in Florida.    When Sandy is accused of being arrested in Florida, the local police are able to produce a mug shot of Diana posing as Sandy, but that's not enough to convince Denver police they have the wrong man.    In a ridiculous sequence which defies logic and likely police procedure, the detective working the case requires Sandy to go to Florida and bring her back to Denver himself so they can trick her into facing the music.   I quote Marge Gunderson in Fargo , "I don't agree 100% with you on your police work there, Lou."   Please.

Identity Thief is so intent on throwing these two together in a cross-country trip that it will bend and twist the plot in ungainly ways to do so, including introducing two local thugs and a creepy bounty hunter to tail them.    I guess Diana's credit cards got a local mobster thrown in jail somehow, but it is not made clear how and why this is.    The thugs and the bounty hunter were unnecessary characters introduced so they could give the filmmakers an excuse to fill up screen time with the aforementioned chases and crashes.   Some of these crashes are brutal too.   One van flips over several times and one of the characters is hit by a speeding car but emerges without a scratch on her.   These scenes made me wince.

And I don't think I'm giving away plot spoilers by revealing that Sandy and Diana, different as they are, will develop a close friendship and when they get to Denver, Sandy has second thoughts about turning in Diana.    Diana then decides to Do The Right Thing and manages to get Sandy off the hook.   I have to mention the numerous scenes in which Diana escapes potential captors by punching them in the throat.    This is done nearly half a dozen times and not one of the times was it funny.   I guess the idea that portly Diana punches people in the neck is supposed to be funny, but it made me recoil instead of laugh. 

Bateman and McCarthy do what they can with the material.    They possess a lot of energy and try hard, but ultimately they just become creatures of a plot that even for a road-buddy movie is ridiculous.    Perhaps if the film developed itself as a satire playing on people's fears of identity theft, it may have worked better.    The theft is just the excuse needed to get these two on the road.   One other question, how exactly did Sandy survive that nasty snakebite in his jugular?    You'll see what I mean if you don't take my advice and see this movie.