No Holds Barred (1989) *

Directed by: Thomas J. Wright

Starring:  Hulk Hogan, Kurt Fuller, Joan Severance, Thomas "Tiny" Lister

Released in 1989, No Holds Barred capitalized on Hulk Hogan's booming popularity and made some pretty good money.      It was not made to be any good.    It was a Hogan vehicle to help line the World Wrestling Federation's pockets.     It also gave birth to a "real life" feud between Hogan and the character he fights in this film, Zeus.     Say what you will about the WWF and pro wrestling in general, but they know how to milk every dollar out of a product.    Criticizing the movie for not being well-made is like screaming at a cat for not being able to master geometry, but here goes. 

Hogan plays Rip, who is the WWF Champion and not a million miles removed from his in-ring persona.     He is wildly popular with fans and loyal to the TV network that broadcasts his matches.    We're going to assume that Rip's matches as depicted here do not come with predetermined outcomes.   It's still amazing that he doesn't bleed despite numerous punches to the face.    He is wooed by the evil World Television Network, run by a sleazeball named Brell (Fuller), but Rip turns down their advances to join the network.    Brell starts a new show called "Battle Of The Tough Guys", which is a Toughman contest gone berserk.   The fights take place in a slaughterhouse bar and a steel mill respectively, with lots of sparks and molten steel all around the latter.     The "Tough Guys" champion is a monster named Zeus (Lister), who destroys his opponents and soon sets his sights on Rip.     Brell sees Zeus as his vehicle for revenge against Rip.     Zeus is said to be an ex-con who killed somebody once.     Not surprising.    What is surprising is how Zeus is given no personality at all, except to be a "Human Wrecking Machine".     He is like the last fighter you have to beat in Mike Tyson's Punch Out to win the title.      

Rip isn't a slouch in the no-personality department either.    He has a love interest, a WTN executive named Samantha (Severance), who is beautiful and initially planted by Brell to manipulate Rip, but she falls for him instead.    They fall in love strictly because they are required to.    Neither has much in the way of charisma, but Samantha sure has great eyes among other assets.      Rip also has a kid brother named Randy whose purpose is to cheer Rip on during his matches and then become a target for Zeus as he baits Rip into a televised fight.    What happens to Randy is brutal even by action movie standards.    Zeus attacks him and leaves him paralyzed in a wheelchair.   Ugh.  

No Holds Barred was aimed at Hogan fans, many of which were kids.    There isn't much that is kid-friendly.    The fight scenes are ultra-violent.   There is nothing fun about the movie, although it's quite a contrast to see how Rip's fight scenes are handled vs. Zeus'.     Rip gets into a confrontation with some armed robbers at a restaurant and disarms them by throwing food.      Hogan's good guy image is thoroughly protected so as not to offend his fans.    Zeus, on the other hand, dispatches his opponents in ugly, mean fashion with lots of crunching bones and screaming.     No blood however. 

The movie ends with the fight between Rip and Zeus on national television, in which at least two people die on camera.     One falls to his death and the other is electrocuted.     The winner, Rip, celebrates with his friends and family in the middle of the ring with the crowd cheering him on.     Didn't they all just notice that people were killed?     I understand movies like this aren't beacons of realism, but come on.     No Holds Barred fails to live up to even my low expectations.   It has a bunch of wooden performances and a lot of punching, kicking, and maiming.     It was made with a built-in audience in mind, but I have to wonder if even the built-in audience wasn't turned off as well.