Bullet To The Head (2013) * 1/2

Directed by:  Walter Hill

Starring:  Sylvester Stallone, Christian Slater, Jason Momoa, Sung Kang

Since when did real estate deals become such a nasty business?    I think back to Broken City, released earlier in 2013, in which all kinds of backstabbing, death, and shenanigans were done in the name of a land deal.    Now comes Bullet To The Head, with more death and mayhem done to protect the future building of condos in an impoverished section of New Orleans.      If developing condos causes this many headaches, the villains should just as soon seek other means of getting rich.

Sylvester Stallone, pushing 70, plays Jimmy, a career criminal/hitman who, along with his partner (Jon Seda), kill a coke-addicted ex-cop/informant who has information which would be bad for the aforementioned condo deal.     They are set up to die themselves when they head to a local bar to await payment.    The man sent to kill them (Momoa) is a giant musclehead who stabs the partner to death, but Jimmy is able to fend off in a fistfight.     This is one of several sequences in the film in which Stallone is able to fight, shoot, drive, and perform stunts like he did 25 years ago.

The Last Stand, another film released in early 2013, was Arnold Schwarzenegger's first action film in many years.     It worked because it didn't ignore that Schwarzenegger is himself pushing 70 and not the action star he used to be.     Sylvester Stallone doesn't want to admit that he's an older man in a young man's game.    He has spent much of past decade in action films, including reviving Rocky and Rambo.    Rocky, aged roughly 60, beats the snot out of a heavyweight champion who is at least 30 years younger than he is.     Is Stallone so ego-driven that he can't accept his age or kid himself about it?    Other than complaining about the overuse of Google and cell phones, the movie makes little reference to his age.   

Because of this, the action sequences become ludicrous.     Stallone even has one scene at a bathhouse where he beats up a younger guy and does so shirtless to show off his physique.     The tattoos he has look hilariously painted on.     The steroids used to create the body would get him a yearlong suspension from playing professional baseball.     He doesn't huff, puff, or even bleed it seems.    

Oh and he is teamed with a younger cop named Taylor Kwan (Kang), who is forever calling into headquarters asking about information on whomever they're tracking.     Luckily, it seems headquarters knows exactly where their quarries are at all times.     Headquarters may as well tell us where Jimmy Hoffa's body is located while they're at it.    

Bullet To The Head is by its very nature silly, but it's by rote and not much fun.    Stallone also serves as narrator, trying his best to channel his inner Cobra/Rambo with a tough guy voice.    He wants to be Hard Boiled.     But he's deadly serious when the movie could use some lightening up.     There is plenty of blood and bullets, and a villain who walks around with a cane.    Walter Hill is an accomplished action film director, but where is the goofy fun of The Last Stand when you need it?