Directed by: Rik Swartzwelder
Starring: Elizabeth Anne Roberts, Rik Swartzwelder, Lejon Woods, Tyler Hollinger, Dorothy Silver
Amber (Roberts) deserves better than to be in any sort of relationship with Clay (Swartzwelder), a hostile, monosyllabic dullard who was once that college frat guy who videotaped drunk girls and seduced them. We see tame flashbacks of the former Clay, who apparently could have been the next Joe Francis (of Girls Gone Wild infamy) had he not decided to reject this life and settle in rural Ohio to run an antique shop. An understandable choice for Clay, who found Jesus, or in his words to Amber: "He found me," One problem with Clay is that words exit his lips so reluctantly you would think he is being charged by each syllable uttered. He is maddening.
Old Fashioned is both the name of Clay's antique shop and a taut description of his views on dating. Actually, old fashioned isn't even an apt description of those views. They are frankly unrealistic in any era. Amber comes into Clay's life after she runs low on gas driving through town and decides to set up shop there. This is by design, as it turns out. She was once in a loveless marriage when she was younger and now stays in places long enough to fill up a jar with gas money so she can move on to the next town, She rents an apartment from Clay above his shop and finds it peculiar that he won't enter the place; preferring to stand outside the screen door. She asks him why. He says he doesn't want to be in a room with any woman who isn't his wife. Fair enough, although Clay isn't married. This intrigues Amber instead of causing a giant red flag to pop up in her pretty little head. Especially when she has Clay come by to repair the stove and she is forced to stand outside in the cold covered by a blanket. Swell guy. Amber sabotages various other appliances just to see him again when he comes to repair them. She is a glutton for punishment.
To the movie's credit, other people actually see that this behavior is odd. I understand it is based on Clay's spiritual beliefs and he is entitled to them. I feel he is serving an extreme penance for his past and not allowing himself to be alone with a woman in a room is his version of a cold shower. If he wants to put himself through this misery, who am I to condemn him for it? At least he isn't whipping himself like the homicidal monk in The DaVinci Code.
Amber is forced to conform to Clay a lot more than she should have to just to get a date. Clay doesn't believe in kissing either until he is married. It is possible to kiss your date or girlfriend on the lips and still be a good Christian, no? No one else in the movie kisses anyone else on the lips either. Clay's views aren't old fashioned or even romantic. They are an example of Clay's extreme personality. He once was a lecherous Lothario and now his moral pendulum has swung so far in the opposite direction that I couldn't accept it. Surely there are other single men in town which are far less work.
But wide-eyed, expressive Amber finds herself falling for Clay, whose idea of a date is to have them visit a spiritual adviser and testing her compatibility with him by reading questions from a book. If poor Amber gives the wrong answer, will Clay dump her? All of this pressure for so little reward. I think of the Kinks' Come Dancing, in which the lyric goes, "He'd end up blowing all his wages for the week. All for a cuddle and a peck on the cheek."
Old Fashioned is a scenic, well photographed film with plenty of enticing, quiet rural scenery. But writer-director Swartzwelder should have found someone else to play the male lead. He and Roberts have zero chemistry. Swartzwelder is a man of few words and even fewer expressions. He either glares, looks stone-faced, or occasionally smiles with a half-grin as if there is no more where that came from. Roberts is far more enjoyable to watch than Swartzwelder. She invests Amber with at least some personality and depth, while Clay remains a guy whose sullen body language suggests what a burden all of this falling in love stuff is. He will eventually fall for her, but he fights it while kicking and screaming every step of the way.
Clay has a friend named Dave (Jones), who lives with his longtime girlfriend and their child. His other friend is Brad (Hollinger), who is a radio shock jock who rants about his love life in misogynistic ways for all to hear. The odd thing is, whenever someone turns on the radio, no matter what time of day it is, Brad's show is being broadcast. Do they run repeats constantly on that station? And nobody seems to own a cell phone, although to be fair it is possible the movie takes place in the 80's or early '90's.
The movie moves slowly, staving off the inevitable conclusion as long as possible. Romances are sometimes by definition a cliche and predictable. In some cases, this is part of the charm. Old Fashioned attempts to paint a faith-based viewpoint onto romance. This isn't an unworthy idea. The movie will likely be enjoyed by its target audience. But my argument with faith-based movies remains the same: Why not make a film which wholly seeks to include other potential audiences instead of simply trying to preach to the converted? Wouldn't even the target audience think it is a little odd that Clay signed his last name to a love letter?
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