Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) *

 

Directed by:  Luc Besson

 

Starring:  Dane DeHaan, Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen, Rihanna, Herbie Hancock, Ethan Hawke

 

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets cost $177 million to make, but it still looks cheesy.    Why not go lower on the budget?    The results couldn't be much worse.    Valerian assaults your senses with unrelenting CGI images, overcrowded sets, and a plot that needed not one, but two different explanations to become even coherent.     The actors perform as if they were sentenced by a judge to star in it.    I can't imagine a movie studio watching this finished product with the belief that it is actually finished.     Where was the studio execs' flop-o-meter on this film?

 

I've read other critics' reviews of Valerian and one thing that struck me is how they were able to describe the plot so thoroughly.     I'm thinking the plot description came with the PR kits, because trying to explain what goes on here is a Herculean task.    But, I'll try.    The Valerian of the title is an interstellar cop (DeHaan), who along with his partner Laureline (Delevigne), scour the solar system for criminals.     DeHaan has a playboy's reputation, so Laureline is reluctant to fall for him even though he professes his love for her.     Delevigne's eyebrows could use some softening, as could her acting technique.    She delivers her lines to the other actors as if she is angry with them.     DeHaan (who played the Green Goblin in The Amazing Spider-Man 2), exhibits as little energy as possible.    Did director Luc Besson direct his actors this way intentionally? 

 

No matter.    I will trudge on with the plot.    The two are in pursuit of a converter and some pearls which are being hunted by members of an extinct civilization whose past existence is doubted to ever have happened.     Some other criminal types are after the converter and pearls as well, as is Valerian's boss played by Herbie Hancock.    Yes, that Herbie Hancock.    For readers who may not know, Hancock is an Oscar-winning composer and musician who hit the pop charts with Rockit in the early 80's.     Did Besson even think the audience intended for this film would even know who Herbie Hancock is?    Other in-jokes, such as references to Taken and Besson's own The Fifth Element are introduced.     If your attention wanders, you may miss them.    If your attention doesn't wander, you are to be commended. 

 

Rihanna also pops up as a shape-shifting exotic dancer who helps Valerian out.    Also on board are Ethan Hawke and Clive Owen, two reputable actors who were probably happy to only be in a few scenes and still get paid handsomely.     The City of a Thousand Planets of the title is more like the offspring of Blade Runner and your local farmer's market.    The peoples of various cultures and planets all live there in peace, but since there is so little room even to move, it is a wonder the overcrowding doesn't lead to some rising tensions every now and then.     In a universe in which spaceships can travel at twice the speed of light, aren't the ideas of virtual reality and a guy hawking his intergalactic tchotchkes in your face a bit passé?     The City of a Thousand Planets itself is a dark, depressing place with more in common with Amsterdam and Times Square than the brainchild of supposedly more advanced civilizations eight centuries into the future.

 

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is a mess.    Writing its title is as laborious as recalling my experiences watching it.    Oh, yes, I did nod off once, but I did awaken and watch most of the film's nearly two-hour overindulgent running time.    Perhaps I get too much sleep after all.