The Great Wall (2017) * *

Directed by:  Zhang Yimou

Starring:  Matt Damon, Willem Dafoe, Pedro Pascal, Tian Jing

Thank goodness The Great Wall of China was built to keep out those pesky CGI monsters that plagued China in the 10th century.    Every sixty years, these green, four-legged meanies attack The Great Wall and the Chinese army is charged with fending them off.    Two European mercenaries (Damon and Pascal) stumble into these battles, with Damon joining the army while Pascal schemes with another white man (Dafoe) to escape the Wall.  

The Great Wall is a video game masquerading as an action film.    The monsters, known as "Tei Tao", attack in droves and are subsequently blown to smithereens by the weaponry of the day.    The Tei Tao are big, ugly thingies which scream and have lots of teeth.    They belong more in the Jurassic Park universe than this one.     The Tei Tao attack in waves during various points of the movie, with some even managing to climb over the Wall.     But, there is a way to kill the species, and that is to kill the Tei Tao queen.     If this sounds at all familiar, it is because that is the way you ultimately win any video game since the invention of Super Mario Bros.    You fight off creatures with increasing levels of difficulty until you impregnate the lair of the head honcho and slay him/her/it.

The humans in The Great Wall aren't much more interesting than the Tei Tao.    There are generals who go about their business solemnly.     William (Damon) discovers the true meaning of loyalty by electing to aid the army in their fight against the Tei Tao.    His traveling buddies not unreasonably want to escape the Wall and strike out on their own, but with the Tei Tao lurking around this may not be the wisest move.     Imagine William's misfortune to come across the Wall right as the Tei Tao was all set to make its appearance after sixty years of dormancy.     If he were just a few months later, then he wouldn't have had to deal with this crap.

The Great Wall is not leavened by humor or a sense of goofy fun.    It goes about its business with plodding seriousness.     The movie runs about 90 minutes, but plays much longer.    Director Yimou wants The Great Wall to play like a classic action epic, but how seriously are we expected to take all of this?    We have humans vs. vicious green monsters.     There is talk of how, if the Tei Tao succeed in taking the Wall, will soon take over the rest of the world.     It is fortunate most people believed the world was flat in the 10th century, so maybe they can rest easier dreaming of the Tei Tao falling off the edge of the earth.