The Thing (1982) * 1/2

Directed by:  John Carpenter

Starring:  Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, Keith David, Richard Dysart, Charles Hallahan, David Clennon, T.K. Carter

I don't know what exactly the folks in The Thing are researching in Antarctica, but thank goodness they stockpiled enough explosives, ammunition, and firearms to make David Koresh envious.    And flamethrowers.    Don't forget the flamethrowers, which they conveniently have handy in case a grotesque alien ever shows up, which it does.    The alien, an outer space parasite which eats its victims and then imitates them in order to grab more victims, wreaks havoc on the Antarctic ice station by plucking off the crew members one by one.    Mistrust grows amongst the group, because no one knows for sure whether someone is still human or just The Thing in disguise.  

John Carpenter created a horror masterpiece in Halloween (1978), which was more interested in suspense than gore.    His horror films since were the other way around, including this remake of the 1950's science fiction film which, coincidentally or not, was being watched on television in Halloween by the unsuspecting Jamie Lee Curtis and the kids she babysat.    Perhaps Carpenter was destined to remake The Thing after all.    Because of its remote setting and its somber tone, The Thing is not a suspenseful remake, but a depressing slog with some nifty makeup effects from Rob Bottin. 

We don't know exactly what the alien is, except that it arrived via a flying saucer and crashed in the middle of the Antarctic.    I would assume that was not its intended landing spot, because if its mission is to wipe out humanity by eating then cloning its victims, it is fighting an uphill battle because after the dozen or so are wiped out, who is left?    How would the alien find a way to civilization?    It left an awful lot to chance.  

The station in Antarctica is supposed to be a research station, but I didn't see any research going on and the characters don't come across as scientists, but grunts or prisoners.     I think Kurt Russell plays the crew's helicopter pilot, but soon becomes the de facto leader as the crew fights for its life against the alien.    Besides names, and not first names to boot, we know next to nothing about the people involved, so they don't serve much purpose except to be attacked and eaten.    Why should we care about them?    The Thing was so quick to get to the gore that it neglected everything else, including logic.  

The actors do what they can with what they're provided, but this is not a movie which showcases the humans, but the visual effects which make up the alien and the gore that follows.     We see the alien, with plenty of tentacles, burst from a man's stomach, turn into a spider-like thingy, swallow entire people whole, and gallons of blood.    The characters make foolish decisions, such as splitting up to perform various tasks which heightens their risk of being trapped alone by the alien and killed.   

The station itself seemingly contains as many rooms as the Pentagon, but only one helicopter, which is not ideal considering how the weather could easily cause a helicopter to malfunction.    Or perhaps have another character inexplicably destroy it in an attack of cabin fever, or is he really The Thing?   Carpenter's best directorial efforts are when he goes for suspense over surprise and gore.    And flamethrowers, which I still can't fathom why those requisitioning supplies for the station would possibly want with them, except in the event of penguins turning nasty.    I forever think of George Carlin's take on why flamethrowers were invented:

"I would love very much to set that man over there on fire, but I'm too far away to accomplish this goal.    If only I could invent something that would throw flame on him,"