Dark Shadows (2012) * *

Directed by:  Tim Burton

Starring:  Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green, Bella Heathcote, Chloe Grace Moretz, Jonny Lee Miller, Helena Bonham Carter

Dark Shadows is a film with an identity crisis.    Does it want to be a fish-out-of-water comedy about an 18th-century vampire who awakens in 1972?   Does it want to be a gothic horror film?    Does it even know?    The humor fits in very awkwardly with the vampire stuff and we're left without any rooting interest.     Are we expected to be supportive of a vampire just because he's played by Johnny Depp?    He kills about 15 innocent bystanders and a few not-so-innocent ones.     I know that's what vampires do, but still. 

Dark Shadows begins circa 1780 in the Collins mansion in Collinsport, Massachusetts.     The Collins family runs the local fishing company is rich and powerful.    The son and sole heir to the Collins fortune is Barnabas Collins, who throws over his lover Angelique (Green) for the young, fetching Victoria (Heathcote).    Angelique, who is a witch/vampire (I think), turns Barnabas into a vampire while putting Victoria in a spell that causes her to jump to her death from a cliff.     Angelique then chains up Barnabas in a casket and buries him in the forest, only to be unearthed nearly 200 years later by a construction crew.

After killing the construction workers, Barnabas travels to Collinsport and sees his first McDonald's sign, cars, and light bulbs.     He finds his mansion nearly in ruins and occupied by Elizabeth Collins (Pfeiffer), whose family's fortune has been squeezed by rival fishing magnate Angelbay, which is run by (drum roll please) Angelique.     She hasn't aged a day, but sports blonde hair and quickly discovers that her former love has returned to gain vengeance.

Angelique inexplicably still loves Barnabas and, although he doesn't love her, he doesn't object to a roll in the hay in order to spare his newfound family from her curses.    Most of the scenes between Barnabas and Angelique take on the same format:   Angelique proposes to Barnabas that they rule Collinsport together, Barnabas refuses and insults her, she puts the pressure on, etc. etc.    Adding to the equation is the arrival of a young girl named Vickie, who becomes the nanny of the Collins children and looks exactly like the long-deceased Victoria.     Barnabas immediately falls for Vickie, who feels a strange attraction to Barnabas as if she's met him before, which she has..in a past life.  

Tim Burton incorporates his usual superior art direction to the Collins mansion and especially in the 18th century scenes.     But Dark Shadows is a glum project.    Maybe it's meant to be that way, but it isn't much fun.     Burton tries to lighten the mood by having Barnabas encounter 1970's pop culture and he naturally doesn't get it, but shoehorning comedy into this dark material just doesn't work.    
Depp tries to provide as much of a hero as Dark Shadows deserves.    He is well-spoken, mannered, a bit arrogant, and of course a little out of his depth.    After all, two hundred years in a casket would do that to a guy.

There isn't much juice to the growing love between Barnabas and Vickie.    For long stretches, Vickie is off screen which doesn't help matters.    There was more tension and energy between Barnabas and Angelique, even though they are not Meant For One Another.     Green slinks around in knee-high boots and low-cut dresses, but she has a ball with the role.     And wouldn't you know it?   After all that happens between she and Barnabas, she really does kinda sorta love the guy.    Does it seem strange that when Dark Shadows was over, I felt more sympathy for the villain than the hero?