Man Of Steel (2013) *

Directed by:  Zack Snyder

Starring:  Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Kevin Costner, Russell Crowe, Michael Shannon, Diane Lane

Man Of Steel is an incomprehensible mess.   When did Superman become such a bore?   There is no joy, life, or humor here.   Superman (Cavill) soars through the air screaming at the top of his lungs and clenching his fists, but there is no character there.   The scenes where he actually talks to people using his inside voice are even worse.    The fights between Superman and his enemies consist mainly of the two combatants jetting towards each other and colliding in mid-air, thus the force of collision sends them a. crashing through building after building or b.  ripping up the ground like a stone skipping on a pond.     The film is CGI on steroids.    It's unpleasant even to look at.  

The film is yet another retelling of Superman's origin into the guy wearing the blue suit and red cape with the "S" on it.    This is the first Superman film to explain what the S stands for (and it isn't Superman).    Superman's home planet is near self-destruction due to reasons too numerous to be recapped here.    Jor-El (Crowe) and his wife Lara become proud parents to son Kal-El soon before an attempted coup by the evil General Zod (Shannon).    Zod wants to restore Krypton to greatness, although considering Krypton's time left can be measured in days, Jor-El sounds reasonable when he tells Zod, "you will be the ruler of nothing."     Zod's coup fails, but not before he kills Jor-El in an attempt to gain control of a gray skull which contains "the genetic registry of all of Krypton".    Jor-El manages to inject his son with its contents before shipping him off to Earth.     Considering the ease in which Jor-El gains access to this skull, one questions why something so important can be so easily obtained.      Zod and his cohorts are sentenced to "the Phantom Zone", in which all are cryogenically frozen and shipped into space.     They're doing him a favor, since Krypton is hours from exploding. 

Kal-El travels to Earth and through flashbacks we see he is discovered by Jonathan and Martha Kent (Costner and Lane), who know the child is not of this Earth and must keep his powers a secret.    Something about "the world isn't ready for him", they say over and over.    In a world where we have Gangnam style dancing, the Kardashians, and UFC fighting, I don't think having Clark Kent flying around saving people from death would be unwelcome.    Clark grows up, sporting a beard while working on an Alaskan fishing boat and trying to blend in, but that's impossible because he soon encounters an exploding oil rig and the only way to save everyone is to perform feats of superhuman strength.    Everywhere he goes, he encounters situations in which he must put his skills to use, creating an urban legend.

Enter Lois Lane (Adams) who works for The Daily Planet and stumbles across a 20,000 year old alien vessel trapped in the Alaskan ice.    She then discovers Clark Kent, who saves her from an alien probe thingy and cauterizes her wounds with lasers emitting from his eyes.    She then goes on a quest to find out who this mystery man is, which doesn't seem to take very long.    She interviews a few people and voila, she is face to face with Clark in a Smallville cemetery.    Meanwhile, Zod finds his way to Earth and threatens to destroy all of humankind if Clark/Kal-El/Superman doesn't surrender to him.    Zod now sports a goatee, which is supposed to add to the menacing look, and soon enough Zod and Superman are battling to the death with the fate of the world hanging in the balance.    It's funny how, although the entire world is threatened, only the US Army shows up to assist Superman in fighting Zod.    This would be a perfect time for Iran or North Korea to unveil those nuclear weapons they've been bragging about.  

The battles are endless and boring.    None of the characters are written with any depth.   Jor-El even reappears as a ghost, although he can use telekinesis to move things and predict the future.    And how does he even know how to stop Zod's plan?   There is also this business of a key with the "S" logo on it, which fits into keyholes of various pieces of Kryptonian machinery.    It seems there are many copies of this key, but I doubt one can go to a Home Depot to get copies made, so where do they come from?    Soon enough, I gave up trying to follow the plot or the action, since there are so many loud explosions and things flying around that it becomes a blur.     Not that I cared anyway, since nothing or no one in Man Of Steel is worth caring about.    It is interested in bone-crunching, exploding mayhem.

The original Superman (1978) and two of its sequels all were simpler and much more effective.    Zod in Superman II wasn't interested in recreating a master race, but ruling Earth.    Superman/Clark Kent as played by Christopher Reeve was multi-dimensional and played with sly, knowing humor.   He let you in on the fact that his Clark Kent was a well-controlled act, so you could see why Lois Lane was fooled into believing that Clark and Superman weren't the same person.    In Man Of Steel, Clark/Superman is a monosyllabic shell of a person.    He does have facial hair in some scenes, which shows Meaning and Inner Conflict, but he is quickly clean-shaven as soon as he dons the Superman cape.    Does he carry a razor around for times just like these?    One more question before I put this to bed:  Does Superman have limits to his powers?    He strains when he has to lift the oil rig and when he is beat up by Zod's gang, he is slow to recover.    Yet, he is thrown through glass and concrete and bounces right back.   And since he grows up from a child to a man, is it too farfetched to think one day he will be a gray-haired, wrinkled old man flying around saving people in distress?    Ok, that's two questions.