Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) * *

Directed by:  Sam Taylor-Johnson

Starring:  Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Jennifer Ehle, Marcia Gay Harden

"I don't usually like my filth this clean," - Tom Hanks in Bachelor Party

Yes, I quoted the raunchy 1984 comedy Bachelor Party because in my mind no other quote fits my feeling about Fifty Shades of Grey.    The erotica which is supposed to be the big deal in this film is so choreographed and packaged that it loses all of its eroticism.    We witness the various scenes of S & M between college graduate Anastasia Steele (Johnson) and billionaire Christian Grey (Dornan), but where is the feeling?    They play the notes without really knowing the music.    It is porn of sorts, but homogenized and tame.  

Ana and Christian are about as deep as a soap dish, but fortunately Johnson and Dornan are appealing actors who would have flourished with better material.    These are nice enough people who are wounded, but looking to be soothed.     The Fifty Shades of Grey novels became famous because of their explicit portrayals of the S & M sessions between Anastasia and Christian, but trust me, I've seen S & M porn much hotter than this.   

Director Taylor-Johnson succeeds in creating a sterile, cold look for the interiors of Grey's offices and home.    They have a museum feel, in which you can look around but can't touch anything.    Kind of like Grey himself.    Grey uses S & M as a way of masking his fear of intimacy.    He prefers not to sleep in the same bed as his lovers and doesn't reveal much about himself to Ana.    There is little to no memorable dialogue between the two, which the film doesn't care about anyway.    People paid to witness the rumpy-pumpy.    The character development here is nonexistent.

Dakota Johnson is a beauty with a sensual way of biting her lip to convey various emotions, including arousal, nervousness, and confusion.    Dornan is clean-shaven, slick, rich, and intense.    We sense somehow Anastasia can crack his steely exterior.    "You are changing me," he tells her, but sadly Anastasia isn't much more than a smile and doe eyes.    Christian is pretty much a suit.    There are two more sequels planned in this series based on E.L. James' novels and maybe then these two will become real people.

So we are left with sex scenes that are too safe and monotonous.     We see quick shots of Dakota Johnson's breasts (or are they of a body double?) and she writhes in pain/ecstasy as Christian whips her or caresses her sensually,   There is no spontaneity nor life in them.    They are perfunctory, just giving the audience enough of the novels' famous sex scenes to ensure its money's worth.    Without them though, we would have had to endure more wonderful conversation between Anastasia and Christian.     Better to get out the whips and chains.